Oldies but goodies to share of my brood

I was sitting around doing nothing today (do you believe that one?) when I got to thinking about my kids.  No, not about how pissed off I am that they haven't cleaned up their rooms or haven't told me they loved me ten times today (which I truly deserved). Just thinking...

Then I got all mushy-like and started to look through some oldies but goodies which is the best pick-me-up for this mom, ever.

I'll share.

Nick and Charlie in Vermont. A boy and his dog

Phillip in Guatemala waiting to meet his new little sister

Joseph and Phillip hanging around.  Lake Winnipesaukee, NH

Anna Grace Lake Kanasatka, NH.  Cutie Patootie!

Me and my goofballs I call my boys

Nick fishin' at Lake Kanasatka, NH

A Schmitt family Easter in Vermont.  LOVE :)

Tom and the boys. Father's Day in Vermont

Phillip, Tony and Joseph in Vermont. Yum, eats!

Me and my guys. It's somebody's First Communion

Tony being Tony with the help of his brothers

Joseph turns 8 with his mommy and daddy, and half of brother Tony

Anna hanging with the piggies in Vermont

Joseph being Joseph. I like the tee shirt buddy.

Phillip turns 12! And is what looks to be a Yankees fan. 

Mother's Day in Vermont. Happiness :)

Tony showing off in Florida. Can you say Nike Air?

Me and my boys vacationing in Maine. Yes, it was frigid

A refreshing dip in the pool. Joseph chillin'in Vermont

I LOVE this pic! Something about our family and pirates...Lake Winnipesaukee, NH

A Huntin' Man Who's Pretty Bad at Huntin' Deer

Conversation recently between the Hubs (AKA, Orvis Lover, AKA, Dad of 5, AKA, Huntin' Man) and me.  

Subject: Hunting with guns.

Dad of 5: I'm thinking about getting another gun.

Me: You already have one. What would you do with another?

Dad of 5:  Hunt more.

Now just to fill you in a bit.  In the years my husband and I have been together (and that's a long ass time now) we have been anti-guns in our home while raising our kids.  We didn't care what others did in their homes, it just wasn't happening in ours.  My husband was also very much against hunting, period.  When we built our home out in the country in Vermont he was the first to venture out on our 80 acres of land to post NO HUNTING signs, everywhere.

Years have past and our little boys are now big boys and Orvis Lover's tune has changed...

Me: Hunt more?

Dad of 5: Yea, you know, now that the boys are grown and I'm not coaching their sport's teams anymore I'd like to do something sporty myself. Something useful.

Me: And strutting around with a gun, stalking and shooting animals is something useful.

Dad of 5: First of all I don't strut. Ever. And second.....second....

Me: I'm listening...

Dad of 5: Even if I do want to hang a deer, bear or moose head on the wall, I still plan to eat what I hunt.

Me: A) I am not chewing and swallowing deer, bear or moose and B) Don't even think anyone's head is hanging on our walls and C) You've never ever even shot a deer. Only beavers.

Dad of 5: I still want another gun.

The Huntin' Man with his beaver, cause he's Pretty Bad at Huntin' Deer

Here's what I say

Period.

Sign on our Vermont property

The Huntin' Man even made a cabinet for his gun. Extra bolted.

Today's Alphabet Game has us to the letter I, and in honor of my husband's new love for hunting, I did some research.  I suggested to the hubs he pack it up and head to Indonesia to hang with the Lembata Islanders and hunt Sperm Whale.  Sounds like a good time and probably pretty tasty, too. 

Funny Ass Humor I Found on Pinterest While Doing Absolutely Nothing but Wasting Time

I enjoy humor.  What can I say?  A good snicker and pee-in-your-pants, tears running down your face laugh is damn good medicine. 

So on days when I'm feeling I need a grin, I visit my good buddy Pinterest.  Amen.

We are on the letter H for this blog post y'all and H stands for Humor.  Enjoy.

Two very important things in my life...uh, actually that's three. 

Damn early birds. Mornings and worms can suck it.

Why haven't the bacon people thought of this? 

Dude. I have to tinkle.

You know that's the truth.

To hell with meditation and yoga. Pop them pills.

Good old GPS. Works every time.

I live by this motto. You're either hungry or you're not.

Top three important things in life. Who could live without?

The Game of Truth or Dare. And Giraffes.

My eleven year old middle school daughter and I were having a conversation the other day about games and one game in particular became the topic of discussion. A party game we all know as Truth or Dare.

My daughter:  Um, I've also played this game called Truth or Dare.

Me: Uh huh. Where, why and with whom?

My daughter:  Just with friends, you know, sleepovers Mom.

Me:  Uh huh.  Oh I've been to sleepovers in my day. And I've played Truth or Dare maybe five, or 65 times in my life.  Well that's a fun game don't you think sweetie?

My daughter:  Mom.  Ew.  I guess if you like giving out your biggest secret about a major crush you have on the hottest eighth grade boy in the school or if you think it's really super cool to be double dared to prank call the Pope.

Note to self:  Sign up tomorrow morning at daughter's middle school as room parent and cafeteria mom. Also call Pope to apologize.


I can still vividly recall some of the naughty but awesome Truth or Dare questions asked during my middle school sleepover days.


Paula Truth or Dare?

Me:  Truth.

Name one celebrity you desperately want to make out with.

Me:  I can only name one, I mean I can easily spout off three, or seven if you'd let me?

Just one.

Me: Andy Gibb.  Yep, hairy chested Andy.  He's right up there at the top of my list.

Paula Truth or Dare?

Me: Dare. *sniff*

Go jump in the pool, fart, and announce to the world as loud as you can, "I cut the cheese!"


Yes, those were the good ol' days my friends.


Letter G today folks for our Alphabet Game.  And I've got the perfect G.  I've always been excited about Giraffes.  I've loved them at the zoo and even Melman in my kids Madagascar movies.

 I'm thinking Giraffe Sex.

Giraffes may be awkward but they're quick, y'all.

A Blogger Tag Game for Really Awesome Bloggers

Recently I was tagged in a blogger game by Life Inside Nickie's Little Bubble (cute blog name and  blog to check out) where you basically take these questions below, answer them as honest as you can, and pass them on to other really awesome bloggers. Sounds groovy. I love games. So here it goes y'all.

Blogger Tag Game

1.  Where were you born?  OK, boring question I know, but I guess we have to start somewhere...Evanston, Illinois.  Woo Hoo, a real party town. Hear about Evanston all the time in the news. Oh, and my mom told me as I started to make my entrance into the world, the nuns held a mirror down south of her feet so she could see her beautiful baby bundle being born. Instead she passed out. Figures.

2. Where you named Paula after anyone special?  Me?  Nah. Well.  Maybe. There's Paula Abdul. Wait.  Pffft. No, maybe she was named after me.  How about...oh yea, here's a good one. Paula Dean.  My mom always did enjoy cooking, and eating.  So there's that.  

3. If you have children, how many?  I have five. Five too many children, thanks for asking.

4. Any pets?  Oh yes, as of today I have a Golden named Mozart Marley.  I'm fairly musical, hence the name.  Moz can be musical too.  In the past I've cared for goldfish, turtles, ducks, bunnies, hamsters, kitties, chickens, pigs, turkeys, and other canine friends.  Guess you could call me a city farm girl.  

5. What has been your worst injury to date?  Ummmm...driving my girlfriend's new moped into a tree  doing 15mph in front of a group of friends when I wasn't supposed to be on the moped, or within a five mile range of the moped. Strict orders from my parents.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  At least I survived and am here to tell the tale.

6. Do you have a special talent?  Handbag and shoe porn.  No question about it.  

7. What's your favorite thing to bake?  Anything butterscotch. You've heard of that Better Than Sex cake delight, right, well I bake these Oatmeal Scotchies that I will tell you are Better. Than. Sex. 

8. What's your favorite fast food?  I like anything fast. If it's simple and quick, I'm all for it. For me that would have to be a toss up between Wendy's for their mouthwatering big juicy burgers and salty fries and KFC for their greasy fried chicken and fattening mashed potatoes. I'm getting hungry y'all.

9. Would you bungee jump?  Do I look like an idiot?  You can ask me now while I'm tipsy or in another five minutes when I'm good and drunk, the answer will be the same.  NFW.

10. What's the first thing you notice about a person?  The eyes have it.  That followed by a person's smile.  Definitely eyes and smile.  

11. When was the last time you cried?  Interesting question.  Let's think, that would have to be last week before Blizzard Nemo struck when I realized I was out of butterscotch. And bacon. And Fritos Corn Chips.  Damn.  

12. Any current worries?  What kind of question is that?  Of course I have worries.  Just look at me.  Look.  Closer. Closer. Closer!  I'm a freakin' worry wart.  Don't let the disguise fool you.

13. Name three drinks you drink regularly.  Water, water and water.  Ok, an occasional Sierra Mist. And I do love a glass of cold apple cider with my bacon.

14. What is your favorite book?  OMFG, how could I possibly answer that one? That would be like asking me which one of my kids is my favorite kid.  Wait.  Nevermind.  I guess I would have to say that Jodi Picoult is right at the top of my list of favorite writers as I've read all her books.  I've even rubbed elbows (and bosoms, see pic below) with Jodi a few years ago in NYC.  She's one cool cat, wet hair and all.

                                                                
                                                     Jodi and I hanging in NYC

15. Would you like to do be a pirate? I liked the first question, however being a pirate is a totally different animal. I guess maybe that would be awesome for about a day....or 7 hours. Ok, maybe just 55 minutes. Come to think of it, I was a pirate wench one Halloween. I've still got the fishnet stockings and costume to prove it.  Next question.

16. What are your favorite smells?  Well I know what I don’t like the smell of and you can probably guess that one. As for my favorite smells...Easy.  Gardenias. Rain. Yankee Candles. Babies. Burberry Brit perfume. Dolce & Gabanna cologne for men. Butterscotch. Honey Pie. And bacon.

17.  Why do you blog?  Three simple words.  OK four.  Because I dig it.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?  Ew.  If I must answer, I guess the first song that comes to my mind is, This Girl Is On Fire, but if I need to tone it down a bit then I'd have to say Ave Maria by Josh Groban and Amazing Grace by whatever country singer sings it the twangiest.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? So, if we're gonna get all personal y'all I'll just come out and say it.  It's my boobs.  I mean, they're still somewhat perky and a handful plus some, but if you look closely, they are not identical.  One is just slightly different than the other one.  So that would have to be it.  It's my boobs.

20. What is your favorite hobby?  Oh I love hobbies.  I do them every day.  Shopping, reading, antiquing, restaurant hopping, shopping, traveling, walking the treadmill, shopping, tennis and shopping.  And porn.  Handbag and shoe porn.  I think I mentioned that special talent of mine above in number 6.

21. What do you look for in a friend?  In all seriousness y'all, this is an important question. The main quality I look for in a friend is that their hiney is not as firm and round as mine and their boobs aren't perky.  One bit. OK, and that they're fun, trustworthy and older than me.

22. Tell us something you have done that you never thought you would do. Well, there are some things that come to mind that involve a golf course in the middle of the night, but I'd rather not share here. So I guess if I had to pick something else it would be...Skinny-dipping at Green Turtle Cay on a beautiful sunny day. Really, it was gorgeous y'all. Come to think of it, if I had the chance, I'd do it again.  Note to self: Check airfare and flights to The Abaco Islands.

23. What are your favorite things to do?  Check back at #20 but I can think up more, just ask my better half.  Next.

24. Any pet peeves?  You mean like toilet seats being left up so everyone can see the dried up pee stains (or worse), front door to the house left wide open as the dumbo who came in or out totally had a brain fart and forgot to close it, fridge door left wide open (dumbo strikes again), someone forgetting to cover what they are heating in the microwave (Phil and Jay).  I think I'd better stop now but thanks again for asking.

25. What was the last thing that made you laugh?  Her name is Jenny Lawson, better known as The Bloggess.  She's like Mother Teresa, Only Better. And that's that.


Done. That was a long ass game but aren't you lucky to know so much more about me? Why sure you are. The next part of the game is where I tag 10 more wicked bloggers and invite them to participate.  Or not.

Enjoy y'all. These bloggers are almost as good as me. Really.

Moms Who Drink and Swear

Hot Mess Mom

Jenny on the Spot

Wild Goddess Life

The Bearded Iris

Your Cup of Cake

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Hither & Thither

Attack of the Redneck Mommy

My Vag Mobile and Other Nonsense My Teenage Son Rambles

I've had the week from hell, if I must bring it up.

OK, I must.

Over a week ago my teenage son brought home....something (No, not one of his trampy, overstuffed, giddy female types).  More like a wicked, serious virus.  As viruses go it did its job and travelled through our house attacking everything in its path.  We had more snot than we knew what to do with.  Nothing pretty.  Eventually everyone slowly started to dry up and return back to normal. Except me. All my snot decided it really, really liked me and wasn't leaving anytime soon. I'm lucky that way.

So as I'm googling Neti Pots (suggested to me by a Facebook friend), I hear on the news about the motherlode blizzard, Nemo, that is about to hit us within a couple days.  And hit us it did, dropping a good 2 feet or more of the white powder everywhere.

Lucky me, I'm still dealing with snot, and now mountains of snow.

I got to thinking the other day (as I've had hours and hours to think while lying around with a 101 degree fever and fun outdoor time with a shovel in hand) about something that was mentioned to me a couple weeks ago by my husband regarding my SUV.  I drive a Nissan Pathfinder.  It's red and all badass but I guess according to my high school son, it's not drivable.

Me to the Hubby: You're taking Jay driving tonight so here's my car keys.

Hubby: You can keep your car keys. He told me he's not driving your car.

Me: He said what?

Hubby: That's right. He calls it the Vag Mobile. Said he's not gonna be seen driving that.

Me: The what?

Hubby: (Looking down at my crotch, smiling) The Vag. You know.....Vag, short for vagina. He thinks it's a chick car.

Me: (Shoving car keys into hubbies hand)  It's dark. No one will ever know the difference. Now go get him and scram.


I looked up Vag Mobile in the Urban dictionary and this is what it said.

1. Vag Mobile  -  A man driving a Mitsubishi Eclipse.

What is that?  It didn't mention anything about Nissan Pathfinders!

Badass SUV. Not a Vag Mobile

I got to thinking a bit more about my teenage son...

Other nonsense Jay rambles when he feels like it
1. I don't plan. Anything. It just all happens dude.
2. Hook me up with some of that scrimp.
3. P diddy, you game?
4. This is cleaned up. My clean pile, my dirty pile and my maybe in-between pile. Works for me.
5. Yo, Ma. Have you seen my deodorant, or my toothpicks?



Time for the alphabet game and we are up to letter F.  This could be Fun.
However, since we are on the subject of kids, and what more do kids (especially boys and grown men) think is a real hoot....

Topic: Farts are Funny!  Enjoy.  Warning: These videos are very noisy and smelly.

1.  The Farting car salesman

2. Ultimate Farts

The Top 10 Things To Do Now That You're 21

Note y'all: OK, so this is the blog post that was posted for one day and then somehow was accidentally deleted where in my last blog post about strange things I say I was all, "Oh. My. Fucking. God. I just accidentally deleted my blog post for the second fucking time in a row!" Remember that one? Yea, so bing, I got it back! Some of you have probably already read this nonsense but some of you people missed out - so lucky for you, I got it back.

So there's that.

One of our sons just celebrated his birthday a few days ago and it happened to be his 21st - THE BIG ONE.  I remember my 21st celebration as if it were yesterday.  Well sorta, it's a bit fuzzy around the edges but seems all I really can recall from that glorious night was shouting the words, Get In Line, over and over again, but you get my drift.  It's a big night and a big deal for the birthday guy or gal.

So with our son Phillip (who is a good mama's boy) we partied it up at our local Five Guys ('cause Johnny Rockets had a half hour wait out the door) then returned home to open what he really wanted to get his hands on (no, we didn't hire Jamie Chung to jump out of his birthday cake. Sorry Phil).

Yes we are eating every one of those damn fries. It's Phil's 21st birthday! 

This is all I really care about

 Really. Fun was had by all, he's finally 21 and today's another day. Onward.

Then in honor of Phil turning 21 I got to thinking...(scary, I know)

The Top 10 Things To Do Now That You're 21

1. You wake in the afternoon on your 21st birthday and are feeling a little thirsty. Go on. A good Bloody Mary never hurt anyone. Plus you're totally legal.

2. After a few Bloody Mary's and a good cold shower you decide to get that tattoo you've always wanted (And be sure to choose something other than a sexy pirate or the letters M.O.M.)

3. Next up - Skydiving. Live life on the edge. Afterwards be sure to call your Mom to let her know you're OK and you didn't fall 5,000 feet to your death.

4. Hire a limo to chauffeur you and your friends around on your special night. You're paying. Your friends will love you. Party it up!

5. Make sure one of your friends brings a camera so they can capture all the stupid things you will surely do on your big night. Or not.

6. Have the limo stop at a liquor store along the way and you run in and buy something. Because you can.

7. Go to a bar. Any bar, just find one. Order a round of drinks for all. You are AWESOME.

8. After several Peach Schnapps and Whiskey shots you feel like showing off your fresh tattoo and dancing. On the table. Do it. You look great. Everybody looks great!

9. Casino! You're feeling lucky tonight (No, not that lucky - loser) Be daring. (*Note to self: Gambling is immoral and should be abolished*)  "Hit Me!"

10. As the sun is rising you are getting a bit hungry and you know what that means....Denny's for breakfast! OK, so maybe this is not your first time at a Denny's watching the sun rise with a group of hung-over delightful friends, but you are hungry. So eat. And Happy 21 to you.

So in my last blog post we played Disney Trivia and it looks like we have a winner! Yay to *Anonymous* whoever the hell you are....Anyway, So since you had all your answers correct, and you certainly appear to have your Disney shit together, the surprise for this blog post is....more Disney!

OK so multiple choice y'all. What do you think we should do with Alice? That girl's a real pain in the ass sometimes.

Silly Alice. She's lost her way, again