Surrender to your bacon obsession

I've been traveling recently (and eating a lot lately) and I've come to realize that I didn't know just how popular the fatty, greasy, tasty pig meat we call bacon was.  

Until Denny's.

I could even order a Maple Bacon Sundae.  Imagine.  Who knew?  

I'll take two, thank you very much.

BACONALIA is back!

I decided to do a little more digging into bacon.  I found some pretty groovy stuff.

Got the no bacon blues?  Bacon Freak can help.  (You know why we're here people.  We MUST HAVE BACON!)

Need a bacon gift idea?  No problem.  Bacon Everything y'all!

And another bacon collection.  Into candy necklaces?  Why not try a bacon candy necklace.  (You know you want to try one)

And finally, the bacon condom has arrived y'all!  It was only a matter of time. Yummy!

I've saved the best for last...

Whiskey Bacon!  Bourbon Caramel Tipped Bacon Roses.
Aren't these the most scrumptious looking edible roses you've ever seen, ever? (I've included the recipe for your pleasure. You can thank me later).

I'm off now to bacon shop.  All I need is a bacon candy necklace, whiskey bacon roses and a bacon condom.  

Wait. I totally just found this y'all.  The Bacon Bra.  What do ya think? Honestly?

Now if I could only find the matching bacon thong.

A little time away, a little travel

I know.  I've been out of touch for awhile.  What can I say, I'm a travelin' girl. 

The husband had business travel in upstate NY - one of our families old stomping grounds - and we decided to go along, for fun.  Eating and shopping, fun. 

We also toured the Albany Institute of History and Art Museum which was pretty awesome.

We learned how to mummify a body, something that is definitely good to know these days.  

Now I want to explore Egypt with Rameses, Cleopatra and King Tut.

I am also very busy working on a new project that I will be launching soon.  Very excited about but lips are sealed for now.  Stay tuned...........

I also want to mention a fabulous new book that is now out called Minivans, Meltdowns & Merlot by Carolyn Coppola (edited by Sarah Teres). All Mothers, new or experienced will LOVE this book. Available in all EBOOK formats and in paperback with all major book sellers. Check out Carolyn's site today!  www.carolyncoppola.com  I happen to have a few free giveaway copies to share so please comment and let me know if you'd like a copy!  (just a note - you mamas will adore this book so get your copy today!).

Anna ready to eat at one of our favorite road trip stops

Amazing how this works, y'all

This one's a little shy. I wanted to see his face

A bit creepy but a whole lot cool

Oldies but goodies to share of my brood

I was sitting around doing nothing today (do you believe that one?) when I got to thinking about my kids.  No, not about how pissed off I am that they haven't cleaned up their rooms or haven't told me they loved me ten times today (which I truly deserved). Just thinking...

Then I got all mushy-like and started to look through some oldies but goodies which is the best pick-me-up for this mom, ever.

I'll share.

Nick and Charlie in Vermont. A boy and his dog

Phillip in Guatemala waiting to meet his new little sister

Joseph and Phillip hanging around.  Lake Winnipesaukee, NH

Anna Grace Lake Kanasatka, NH.  Cutie Patootie!

Me and my goofballs I call my boys

Nick fishin' at Lake Kanasatka, NH

A Schmitt family Easter in Vermont.  LOVE :)

Tom and the boys. Father's Day in Vermont

Phillip, Tony and Joseph in Vermont. Yum, eats!

Me and my guys. It's somebody's First Communion

Tony being Tony with the help of his brothers

Joseph turns 8 with his mommy and daddy, and half of brother Tony

Anna hanging with the piggies in Vermont

Joseph being Joseph. I like the tee shirt buddy.

Phillip turns 12! And is what looks to be a Yankees fan. 

Mother's Day in Vermont. Happiness :)

Tony showing off in Florida. Can you say Nike Air?

Me and my boys vacationing in Maine. Yes, it was frigid

A refreshing dip in the pool. Joseph chillin'in Vermont

I LOVE this pic! Something about our family and pirates...Lake Winnipesaukee, NH

A Huntin' Man Who's Pretty Bad at Huntin' Deer

Conversation recently between the Hubs (AKA, Orvis Lover, AKA, Dad of 5, AKA, Huntin' Man) and me.  

Subject: Hunting with guns.

Dad of 5: I'm thinking about getting another gun.

Me: You already have one. What would you do with another?

Dad of 5:  Hunt more.

Now just to fill you in a bit.  In the years my husband and I have been together (and that's a long ass time now) we have been anti-guns in our home while raising our kids.  We didn't care what others did in their homes, it just wasn't happening in ours.  My husband was also very much against hunting, period.  When we built our home out in the country in Vermont he was the first to venture out on our 80 acres of land to post NO HUNTING signs, everywhere.

Years have past and our little boys are now big boys and Orvis Lover's tune has changed...

Me: Hunt more?

Dad of 5: Yea, you know, now that the boys are grown and I'm not coaching their sport's teams anymore I'd like to do something sporty myself. Something useful.

Me: And strutting around with a gun, stalking and shooting animals is something useful.

Dad of 5: First of all I don't strut. Ever. And second.....second....

Me: I'm listening...

Dad of 5: Even if I do want to hang a deer, bear or moose head on the wall, I still plan to eat what I hunt.

Me: A) I am not chewing and swallowing deer, bear or moose and B) Don't even think anyone's head is hanging on our walls and C) You've never ever even shot a deer. Only beavers.

Dad of 5: I still want another gun.

The Huntin' Man with his beaver, cause he's Pretty Bad at Huntin' Deer

Here's what I say

Period.

Sign on our Vermont property

The Huntin' Man even made a cabinet for his gun. Extra bolted.

Today's Alphabet Game has us to the letter I, and in honor of my husband's new love for hunting, I did some research.  I suggested to the hubs he pack it up and head to Indonesia to hang with the Lembata Islanders and hunt Sperm Whale.  Sounds like a good time and probably pretty tasty, too. 

Funny Ass Humor I Found on Pinterest While Doing Absolutely Nothing but Wasting Time

I enjoy humor.  What can I say?  A good snicker and pee-in-your-pants, tears running down your face laugh is damn good medicine. 

So on days when I'm feeling I need a grin, I visit my good buddy Pinterest.  Amen.

We are on the letter H for this blog post y'all and H stands for Humor.  Enjoy.

Two very important things in my life...uh, actually that's three. 

Damn early birds. Mornings and worms can suck it.

Why haven't the bacon people thought of this? 

Dude. I have to tinkle.

You know that's the truth.

To hell with meditation and yoga. Pop them pills.

Good old GPS. Works every time.

I live by this motto. You're either hungry or you're not.

Top three important things in life. Who could live without?

The Game of Truth or Dare. And Giraffes.

My eleven year old middle school daughter and I were having a conversation the other day about games and one game in particular became the topic of discussion. A party game we all know as Truth or Dare.

My daughter:  Um, I've also played this game called Truth or Dare.

Me: Uh huh. Where, why and with whom?

My daughter:  Just with friends, you know, sleepovers Mom.

Me:  Uh huh.  Oh I've been to sleepovers in my day. And I've played Truth or Dare maybe five, or 65 times in my life.  Well that's a fun game don't you think sweetie?

My daughter:  Mom.  Ew.  I guess if you like giving out your biggest secret about a major crush you have on the hottest eighth grade boy in the school or if you think it's really super cool to be double dared to prank call the Pope.

Note to self:  Sign up tomorrow morning at daughter's middle school as room parent and cafeteria mom. Also call Pope to apologize.


I can still vividly recall some of the naughty but awesome Truth or Dare questions asked during my middle school sleepover days.


Paula Truth or Dare?

Me:  Truth.

Name one celebrity you desperately want to make out with.

Me:  I can only name one, I mean I can easily spout off three, or seven if you'd let me?

Just one.

Me: Andy Gibb.  Yep, hairy chested Andy.  He's right up there at the top of my list.

Paula Truth or Dare?

Me: Dare. *sniff*

Go jump in the pool, fart, and announce to the world as loud as you can, "I cut the cheese!"


Yes, those were the good ol' days my friends.


Letter G today folks for our Alphabet Game.  And I've got the perfect G.  I've always been excited about Giraffes.  I've loved them at the zoo and even Melman in my kids Madagascar movies.

 I'm thinking Giraffe Sex.

Giraffes may be awkward but they're quick, y'all.

A Blogger Tag Game for Really Awesome Bloggers

Recently I was tagged in a blogger game by Life Inside Nickie's Little Bubble (cute blog name and  blog to check out) where you basically take these questions below, answer them as honest as you can, and pass them on to other really awesome bloggers. Sounds groovy. I love games. So here it goes y'all.

Blogger Tag Game

1.  Where were you born?  OK, boring question I know, but I guess we have to start somewhere...Evanston, Illinois.  Woo Hoo, a real party town. Hear about Evanston all the time in the news. Oh, and my mom told me as I started to make my entrance into the world, the nuns held a mirror down south of her feet so she could see her beautiful baby bundle being born. Instead she passed out. Figures.

2. Where you named Paula after anyone special?  Me?  Nah. Well.  Maybe. There's Paula Abdul. Wait.  Pffft. No, maybe she was named after me.  How about...oh yea, here's a good one. Paula Dean.  My mom always did enjoy cooking, and eating.  So there's that.  

3. If you have children, how many?  I have five. Five too many children, thanks for asking.

4. Any pets?  Oh yes, as of today I have a Golden named Mozart Marley.  I'm fairly musical, hence the name.  Moz can be musical too.  In the past I've cared for goldfish, turtles, ducks, bunnies, hamsters, kitties, chickens, pigs, turkeys, and other canine friends.  Guess you could call me a city farm girl.  

5. What has been your worst injury to date?  Ummmm...driving my girlfriend's new moped into a tree  doing 15mph in front of a group of friends when I wasn't supposed to be on the moped, or within a five mile range of the moped. Strict orders from my parents.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  At least I survived and am here to tell the tale.

6. Do you have a special talent?  Handbag and shoe porn.  No question about it.  

7. What's your favorite thing to bake?  Anything butterscotch. You've heard of that Better Than Sex cake delight, right, well I bake these Oatmeal Scotchies that I will tell you are Better. Than. Sex. 

8. What's your favorite fast food?  I like anything fast. If it's simple and quick, I'm all for it. For me that would have to be a toss up between Wendy's for their mouthwatering big juicy burgers and salty fries and KFC for their greasy fried chicken and fattening mashed potatoes. I'm getting hungry y'all.

9. Would you bungee jump?  Do I look like an idiot?  You can ask me now while I'm tipsy or in another five minutes when I'm good and drunk, the answer will be the same.  NFW.

10. What's the first thing you notice about a person?  The eyes have it.  That followed by a person's smile.  Definitely eyes and smile.  

11. When was the last time you cried?  Interesting question.  Let's think, that would have to be last week before Blizzard Nemo struck when I realized I was out of butterscotch. And bacon. And Fritos Corn Chips.  Damn.  

12. Any current worries?  What kind of question is that?  Of course I have worries.  Just look at me.  Look.  Closer. Closer. Closer!  I'm a freakin' worry wart.  Don't let the disguise fool you.

13. Name three drinks you drink regularly.  Water, water and water.  Ok, an occasional Sierra Mist. And I do love a glass of cold apple cider with my bacon.

14. What is your favorite book?  OMFG, how could I possibly answer that one? That would be like asking me which one of my kids is my favorite kid.  Wait.  Nevermind.  I guess I would have to say that Jodi Picoult is right at the top of my list of favorite writers as I've read all her books.  I've even rubbed elbows (and bosoms, see pic below) with Jodi a few years ago in NYC.  She's one cool cat, wet hair and all.

                                                                
                                                     Jodi and I hanging in NYC

15. Would you like to do be a pirate? I liked the first question, however being a pirate is a totally different animal. I guess maybe that would be awesome for about a day....or 7 hours. Ok, maybe just 55 minutes. Come to think of it, I was a pirate wench one Halloween. I've still got the fishnet stockings and costume to prove it.  Next question.

16. What are your favorite smells?  Well I know what I don’t like the smell of and you can probably guess that one. As for my favorite smells...Easy.  Gardenias. Rain. Yankee Candles. Babies. Burberry Brit perfume. Dolce & Gabanna cologne for men. Butterscotch. Honey Pie. And bacon.

17.  Why do you blog?  Three simple words.  OK four.  Because I dig it.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral?  Ew.  If I must answer, I guess the first song that comes to my mind is, This Girl Is On Fire, but if I need to tone it down a bit then I'd have to say Ave Maria by Josh Groban and Amazing Grace by whatever country singer sings it the twangiest.

19. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? So, if we're gonna get all personal y'all I'll just come out and say it.  It's my boobs.  I mean, they're still somewhat perky and a handful plus some, but if you look closely, they are not identical.  One is just slightly different than the other one.  So that would have to be it.  It's my boobs.

20. What is your favorite hobby?  Oh I love hobbies.  I do them every day.  Shopping, reading, antiquing, restaurant hopping, shopping, traveling, walking the treadmill, shopping, tennis and shopping.  And porn.  Handbag and shoe porn.  I think I mentioned that special talent of mine above in number 6.

21. What do you look for in a friend?  In all seriousness y'all, this is an important question. The main quality I look for in a friend is that their hiney is not as firm and round as mine and their boobs aren't perky.  One bit. OK, and that they're fun, trustworthy and older than me.

22. Tell us something you have done that you never thought you would do. Well, there are some things that come to mind that involve a golf course in the middle of the night, but I'd rather not share here. So I guess if I had to pick something else it would be...Skinny-dipping at Green Turtle Cay on a beautiful sunny day. Really, it was gorgeous y'all. Come to think of it, if I had the chance, I'd do it again.  Note to self: Check airfare and flights to The Abaco Islands.

23. What are your favorite things to do?  Check back at #20 but I can think up more, just ask my better half.  Next.

24. Any pet peeves?  You mean like toilet seats being left up so everyone can see the dried up pee stains (or worse), front door to the house left wide open as the dumbo who came in or out totally had a brain fart and forgot to close it, fridge door left wide open (dumbo strikes again), someone forgetting to cover what they are heating in the microwave (Phil and Jay).  I think I'd better stop now but thanks again for asking.

25. What was the last thing that made you laugh?  Her name is Jenny Lawson, better known as The Bloggess.  She's like Mother Teresa, Only Better. And that's that.


Done. That was a long ass game but aren't you lucky to know so much more about me? Why sure you are. The next part of the game is where I tag 10 more wicked bloggers and invite them to participate.  Or not.

Enjoy y'all. These bloggers are almost as good as me. Really.

Moms Who Drink and Swear

Hot Mess Mom

Jenny on the Spot

Wild Goddess Life

The Bearded Iris

Your Cup of Cake

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

Hither & Thither

Attack of the Redneck Mommy